


look on now only at those who love you.

by crystallinedewdrops



Category: DCU, Teen Titans (Comics)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Childhood Trauma, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Breakdown, all these tags are heavily implied & referenced/mentioned., grant emerson is gay in this bc i said so., tw: child sexual abuse & pedophilia.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-01
Updated: 2020-10-01
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:41:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26746774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crystallinedewdrops/pseuds/crystallinedewdrops
Summary: it is incredibly hard to live when everyone you know believes that you are the sole reason the abuse you went through happened, that it is all your fault. (it's not. itneveris.)or, grant emerson learns the truth about the infamous tara "terra" markov, and decides that enough is enough.
Relationships: Grant Emerson & Tara Markov, Grant Emerson & Tara Markov & Toni Monetti, Toni Monetti & Tara Markov
Kudos: 6





	look on now only at those who love you.

**Author's Note:**

> not gonna lie this fic was very hard for me to write because i identify so, so personally with both grant & tara. as a survivor myself, it is so offensive when writers continuously villainize tara, continuously make her just a bad person who got what she deserved... when she is a victim of child sexual abuse. so i wrote this, because i am so fucking tired of the victim-blaming bullshit. grant emerson is also canonically a csa survivor and he knew tara but did not really know that she's also a victim... so this is about them, healing and bonding together.
> 
> the csa itself is not graphic but it is heavily implied & referenced as i said in the tags; this fic deals with the aftermath of it, with how it shaped tara & grant both. also, the new teen titans members are not portrayed in a positive light whatsoever because they constantly victim-blamed tara for what happened to her--yes, it was the writers projecting on them... but as the years go by, its become a character trait for all of them.
> 
> this takes place during the titans (1999), but grant never left after telling roy about his trauma + tara joins the team instead of dying.
> 
> oh, and two things: 1) this isn't beta-read so any grammatical errors are my own; 2) tara have scars all over her body bc she survived that cave-in at the end of the judas contract, but due to mysterious reasons she's still alive and 15 years old instead of as old as the rest of ntt.
> 
> title from my friend's poem, [hymn for a star](https://sheherazade.tumblr.com/post/627696746807590912/hymn-for-a-star).

Grant finds her sitting in the dark control room, the harsh lights of the monitors illuminating parts of the place as well as her face. The thing about Tara is that she is never quiet, never still; not as bad as Bart though, but still extroverted. talkative and animated in her own way, even when she is alone.

So this stillness from her comes as a surprise to him.

He walks into the room and sees her staring at one of the monitors mounted on the wall. "Quiet day, huh?" With how hectic their lives are, with what they struggle with on a daily basis, a moment of silence and peace is a treasured thing. Tara startles from absently staring at the screen and whips her head quickly towards his voice, alarmed, with her hands clenched tightly into fists.

Grant raises his hands in a surrender gesture, "sorry, I didn't mean to scare you," he rubs the back of his neck sheepishly with a contrite expression. He doesn't know why she is suddenly so scared of him, and that fills him with worry—the way she looked, the alertness and tension in her body... maybe it's nothing, maybe it is something, but whatever it is makes him wants to find out what happened to the usually brash and loud Tara he knows that made her react this way.

Tara slowly relaxes and shakes her head, "you should wear a bell on you if you're sneaking up on people like this." There is none of her usual meanness and dismissiveness in her voice, instead it's strangely... flat. Monotone. She returns back to look at the one particular screen. Grant glances at the monitor and sees its showing a tv news channel about some country called Markovia.

He tilts his head and decides to sit on the other chair, "what's the point of stealth if you wear a bell? That's just stupid."

"That's just the point." She answers in finality to the conversation.

Grant purses his lips together and let's it go. The feeling of something being wrong with her, something that happened to make her this _quiet,_ doesn't leave him, though.

//

He is learning how to drive a car, with Roy in the passenger seat and Lian in her safety seat in the back, when they both see her standing in the middle of the Arizonian desert. With a look shared between them, they decided to go talk to her.

"Hey, Tara!" Grant sprints ahead of Roy and suddenly stops when she turns to look at him. Her eyes… the feeling of _something is wrong_ from years past comes rushing to him in that one moment.

The sun's too hot today, the heat an oppressive force that barely let's anyone breathe; her eyes look the same way they did back then, in that dark control room with the too-harsh monitor lights.

There is _nothing_ in them.

He knows that look all too well. too intimately. He had seen it in his own eyes too many times, in the mirror.

Tara tilts her head and glances behind him, "so, are the Teen Titans are back together or what?"

Nothing. There's nothing in her voice—he can hear it so clearly. This is wrong. She shouldn't be like this.

He hears Roy's reply to her but did not really listen to what he said, exactly. Grant's breath comes out normally, he knows this, and yet the oppressive, suffocating, heaviness of _something_ threatens to crush his chest, his heart.

Tara smiles, scars pulling and stretching her skin as she does so, her eyes empty and haunted at the same time and it's wrong. It's wrong it's wrong its—

 _She shouldn't be like this,_ the thought repeats in his head over and over again. What happened in the two years since they had last seen each other?

//

They take her back to the Titans tower and throughout the drive there, Grant is silent.

He sees the way the team reacts to Tara coming back into their lives; he sees the way Koriand'r, Donna, Victor, Dick, and Wally in particular have this look on their faces, and hears the way they talk about her with Roy.

He hears the word betrayal mentioned a lot, the anger and hurt in their voices. He doesn't understand what she did to them but he wants to know, he wants to _understand_ what happened. Clinging to that thought like a lifeline and so the minute he can breathe normally again, Grant goes to Tara and drags her away from Toni, away from the living room and into his own room.

Tara protests all the way there, even when the door closes.

"What did you do?" He says in urgency, restlessness makes him pace the room and wrangle his hands, disregarding her protests entirely and getting to the point.

"I did nothing! Why would you drag me here?!" She snarls and there is that mean tone of hers, the one he is so familiar with, but her eyes are wrong. Her eyes are still—there is nothing in them. That scares him, he realizes; it scares him that she is so far away from him, so distant and isolated. He wants _his Tara_ back, with her complexity that he never knew how to deal with, or how to act around her because of it, and he might have had his own problems with how she treated him but he still liked her, back then.

He wants his friend back.

Grant shoves a hand in his hair and matches her tone, "you did something! They're saying you betrayed them! That you nearly killed them! Tell me that is not true..." he trails off as her face falls from annoyed into a neutral one. She looks vacant, distant, like an old statue in graveyards--she is there, but not quite.

After a momentary silence her lips curl upwards, the scars stretching the indented skin, a cruel yet sad mockery of a smile. "Is that what they are saying about me," it's not a question but a statement. Her voice is void of any emotions now, too.

She walks around him and sits on the bed, tucking one leg underneath her. her smile falls.

"What did you do?" _What happened to you?_

She is quiet for a while, then she gazes at him—and it isn't that unnerving nothingness from before, no, her eyes are now intense and alert. The same way they had been that day, years ago. But there is something else too, Grant can see it, he just doesn't know what it is...

"There was once a young girl. She had a good family, a loving family, but one fateful night she was abducted by mercenaries," her voice is now lilting yet aloof and far away, objective. Like she is reading something out of a book she is not particularly interested in. "Years had gone by and no one came for her."

Grant sucks a sharp breath, his hands clenched.

"She managed to escape but wandered around homeless and alone, with powers she didn't understand. Shunned by everyone around her because of their fear of her powers, she was taken in by another mercenary, this one far more ruthless than the others. He did not care about her," she let's a bark of a humorless laugh that was cut too quickly, "he only cared about her power." Her lips curl upwards again, in contempt. Her tone changes as well, the more she continues with this story.

There is none of that objectiveness, now. Her voice is tightening, a lump in her throat that she tries to swallow down, tension radiates off of her like a massive heat signature; defensive, scared, _hateful_.

What he hears next disturbs him too much and he cannot breath. If she noticed, she doesn't say anything about it. Tara tells him of how this girl was once loved by people her own age but did not know it, did not understand it, because all she knew was violence and manipulation. The violation of body and soul the girl went through, with no one around to help her.

Tara sits on his bed with a smile that stretches the scars on her face, haunted, her eyes glistening with tears.

"What did I do, Grant?" there is an edge to her voice, now, and he recognizes the anger and hurt. It's the same as that day, when he confessed to Roy his own trauma.

Now he knows why she felt wrong to him. He realizes what happened to her, what made her the way she was and still is—it makes him sick, and enraged, and sad; the feelings overwhelm him and he can't breath from the intensity and unadulterated hurt in her eyes, from what she had just told him.

(he knows what she feels, too.)

"What did I do?" she repeats, louder. The tears flowing down her face. "I was a child," she says, quiet, her voice cracking around the last word. "I was a child... I was a child!!" She screams, and screams and screams until it is incomprehensible. Until he worries about her losing her voice. Grant's vision blurs by his tears and he goes to her, holds her as she cries, as she comes unraveled in his arms, her hands clawing at and clinging to him.

 _Ruined_ , she screams, _ruined ruined_ **_ruined_ **—

Tara screams, tearing her wounds open, and his own heart breaks.

(they are a reflection of each other.)

//

Later that day, when the Titans—sans Roy and Garth who are clearly unhappy about the decision—vote that Tara doesn't stay here, Grant stands up and defends her, yelling at them for their injustices against her.

A simple statue in a cave doesn't mean shit, not in her case.

"He is right," Jesse says, "you don't have to forgive her for what she did to you but the least you can do is give her a chance to redeem herself, to seek the help she needs." Dick opens his mouth to object but Jesse scowls at him. There is a conflicted expression on his face and maybe his will to live wins out in the end because he miraculously shuts his mouth.

Jesse then raises a brow at the rest of them, challenging them to say anything. they don't. Grant can tell they aren't happy about the decision either. Tara stays, and Roy promises that he'd take sole responsibility for her.

Grant approaches him after the meeting, the curiosity to know burns inside of him. "Why'd you promise that?"

Roy glances at him then away, his fingers fiddling with his ear piercing, "I feel bad about the way I treated her, back then," he confesses, and Grant immediately knows what he's talking about.

The thing about Roy is that he did care about them, even when he was acting like a drill sergeant. Out of everyone around them, Grant feels the safest with Roy and Toni. He hopes Tara will feel the same way, even if it's just a few or one of them.

//

Tara is still in his room, quiet and unmoving, and that is unusual of her but given what she went through hours ago, Grant isn't really surprised.

She is lying on his bed in a fetal position, staring at nothing in particular. "Hey, I've some good news," he keeps his voice low so he doesn't scare her. "You can stay." Haunted green eyes regain their focus and gaze at him, and he smiles reassuringly, "you can stay with us." Tara doesn't reply, doesn't show any emotion for a while and he wonders if that's the wrong thing to say.

"For how long?" She finally asks, her voice hoarse. Grant blinks in confusion and she sighs, "for how long until they kick me out on my ass?" There is a fear in the way she says it, it's clear in how she fists the blanket in her hand, but she tries to hide it under nonchalance. He falls silent in surprise, and can feel his chest constrict in a certain way. "You won't," his tone is shaky so he takes a breath, and repeats it again: "you won't, I'll not let them."

He isn't sure whom he is trying to convince, himself or her, but he'll say it again and again and again until either or both of them believe it.

Tara says nothing.

//

Tara had gathered whatever's left of her strength and left his room. He sees her, the next day, keeping to herself in her own room. There is light in her eyes, now, however dim it still is. She tells him in a quiet and soft voice that she already told the others about what happened to her--not in its entirety. She doesn't say why but he can guess the reason. "They said that they understand," she chuckles. Then her smile falls slowly and the realization of the words hit her.

"They _understand_..." she whispers, voice trembling. There is fear and light and hope and caution in her eyes, in the way she speaks and moves, and disbelief like none Grant had ever seen. She repeats the words like a mantra, like a lifeline, and Grant knows how it feels to have someone knows everything about you, knows what happened to you that made you the way you are, that defined you for so long--he knows what it is like to bare yourself to someone and have them accept you.

(what choice do both of them have but to be brave enough to live, to trust people once again when their hearts were broken?)

//

The following days were awkward, to say the least. The older Titans are cautious around her and sometimes won't let her on missions.

Toni tells him that they warned her of staying away from Tara, as well, which she doesn't really understand why but disobeys anyway because Toni is like that when it comes to people who tell her to do anything without giving her reasons. For once, Grant is glad for Toni's individualism. And, it appears, Toni's the one who upends Tara's life; she drags her to shopping sprees, rants to her about the celebrities on TV shows and movies, and everything in between. It wasn't like that, at first, but the two have warmed up to each other fast.

Garth, Roy, and Jesse, on their parts, also talk to her, enlisting her help with anything they need; they make her feel included, and she slowly opens up to them too. Tara avoids Donna, Koriand'r, Victor, Dick, and Wally whenever he's around. She doesn't even mention them.

Although, the bad days are the hardest and most awkward of them all to deal with. Tara lashing out on them, closing and isolating herself from them, and then whenever she feels better she comes back, hesitant and vulnerable and hiding it all beneath a bluff that is so easy to see through--that’s hard to deal with, especially for the ones that knew her. More than once, Dick and the rest wanted her off the team because of it, more than once they wanted her _gone._ It was very clear that they did not trust her and possibly never will.

That’s the part that pissed Grant off so much--their cruelty towards her. Their hatred and distrust of her.

(“She is still dangerous.” Dick says, as the team files into the briefing room after the mission, placing his arms on the table and leaning heavily on them with a troubled expression on his face. Victor crosses his arms and chews on his lips, “she can’t stay here but perhaps somewhere else--we can’t help her.”

Roy throws his hands up in the air, “oh for--she’s a _child_ , Dick--what happened back then was bad, yeah, but you would really blame _a child_ for _her trauma?!_ ” He shouts, his voice filling the room. Grant has never seen him this tense and angry before now.

“Raven said--” Wally begins, standing up from his seat.

“Raven was a villain and did much more damage to all of you than a 15 years old did," Garth interrupts him by raising his voice, just as furious as Roy is, “And yet, you all forgave Raven for what she had done. You welcomed her back with open hearts and arms. Why can’t you do that to Tara as well?” Surprisingly, uncannily, his voice is just as calm as ever. Garth, by far, is the politest of them all, so to hear him say that with a glare that rivals Medusa’s--that’s something.

Jesse purses her lips and shifts a bit, “we can get her the help she needs.” She _commands_ , there is no hesitation in the way she holds herself, in the way she speaks. “She is just a child and you are all _adults_ , so I suggest you grow up and get some help with your trust issues.”

This goes on for so long that by the end of it, Grant has never hated someone as he does the New Teen Titans.)

Jesse, Roy, Garth, and Toni still stick by her though, despite the others’ protests and warnings, and it is very clear to all of them that Tara doesn’t know what to do with that, but she tries to be better for herself, and for them as well. It is awkward but it's still progress.

(he knows that Tara stays awake at night. In the monitor room, in the living room—wherever there is a tv, she is there, watching the news on Markovia. He knows this because he and Toni stumble upon her during those times, whenever they cannot sleep, and they always make sure that she is not alone.

She made them promise not to tell anyone.

He knows why she does this too, now.)

//

Toni drags them both to one of her sprees after finding out the truth about her dad, but this time it's the arcade. After playing a bunch of games, taking pictures in the photo booth, and stopping a few muggings, they head to the cinema.

They take their tickets for _10 Things I Hate About You_ and mile around until it's time for the movie's airing.

Halfway through the movie, Toni and Tara are sighing dreamily at the lead guy and Grant wonders if he'd ever have someone like him in his life and then banishes the thought as soon as it had appeared; it did, however, leave his heart beating fast and with a blush high on his cheeks.

Why would he ever think _that_?

After the movie had ended, the two girls are animatedly discussing it, ignoring the crisis Grant has given himself. He couldn't be more grateful to them. He'd rather _not_ talk about it. He thinks about how it’d feel to be with a boy, anyway, because his brain hates him that much. Grant feels himself blush, so deep in his thoughts of an imaginary boy; it makes his heart flutter and he doesn’t know what to do with that revelation.

He doesn't notice that the two girls had stopped walking until he nearly runs into Toni. "oh, sorry!" he quickly apologized and Tara snorts, "that's one hell of a blush you got there. do you have something… or _someone_ on your mind?" she leers, throwing her arm around his shoulder, "you're not usually so absentminded like this."

His eyes widened. Oh, _oh no_.

"No I don't!" he sputters and the way Toni's eyes brightens right then did not bear any good news. She gasps and he holds his breath, "ooooh, does Grant have a little crush on someone?" he knew it, and yet hearing it from her doesn't help at all.

"I don't!" not that protesting helps his case at all, since they decided to tease him about it anyway.

The part of him that isn't dying, that isn't being so embarrassed, is happy. It nearly throws him off, how overwhelming that joy is. If only he wasn't so busy regretting everything that lead to them mercilessly teasing him.

//

Tara is lying on his bed, staring at the ceiling. She is playing with the blanket, twisting it between her fingers this way and that.

"We really are not that different, huh?" He looks up from the book he's reading at the sound of her voice, still hoarse from all the screaming days ago.

He knows what she means. "No. We aren't."

Silence, once more. Grant goes back to his book. He feels the bed shifts and startles as she settles herself against his side, laying her head on his shoulder. "What's this book about?" she asks, playing with the edges of the pages.

"You've never read Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen?" The surprise in his voice is partially because of how close she is sitting next to him. Tara shakes her head. He doesn't know how to feel about any of this, so he doesn't dwell on it that much and instead launches into a rant about the book and the characters.

She is silent throughout it all and it still feels wrong, off putting—it's nothing like the way she usually is, with her sarcasm and snark that hides the kindness and vulnerability underneath it all. It still feels wrong whenever she is silent and he wants her to open up, to tell him what's wrong and not be stuck inside her own head. But he doesn't push her, he waits.

Patience, while it was never his strongest suit, is something he learned that works with her. So he waits, and waits.

No matter how many days or weeks or months it takes, he'll wait until she is comfortable enough to tell him.

//

They are on one of Roy's road trips. Arizona stretches out before them endlessly.

It is nighttime and they are camping now, and Roy is telling one of his stories, gesturing animatedly and mimicking the voices of the people he’s talking about. The fire crackles in front of them. After a while, Roy and Lian went to sleep, but Grant can't; despite the warmth of the fire, the coldness of the desert and the ground makes him uncomfortable, so he sits up and goes on a walk to tire himself out.

He sees her standing in front of the car. Tara turns to him, the harsh lights coming from the car’s front lights casts shadows and illuminates her in an uncanny way, but unlike back then she doesn't gaze at him with alarm, or fear, or nothing at all.

Now, there is this look of something that he is not sure what, exactly, but at least it makes him glad.

(they break and bleed, and fix the pieces together.)


End file.
